It’s a Wonderful Life (for some people….)

It’s amazing how I can go from fine to gutted and depressed in hyperdrive speed.

I was on Facebook and saw my friend John post something innocuous about spotting Rod Stewart at the Newark Airport while waiting to catch a plane with his wife. I clicked on his wife’s profile and was blown away by how beautiful she is and how stylish she seems to be. But then what brought me down in an emotional spiral was how perfect their lives look in FB form. Picture perfect, their lives. Pretty house, trips abroad, and seemingly crazy in love. That’s when it hit me: I will never have that. I will never have that glossy, picture perfect life. I have bounced from dyfunction to dysfunction my entire life, never finding anyone or anything that wasn’t completely black and tainted. Nothing I touch is ever good.

But why?

Am I a bad person reaping what I somehow seem to sow? Did my miserable childhood mold me into a miserable person? Did I just draw the short end of the stick in life?

I’m so emotionally ruined right now. My life seems to be a giant mess. I control my eating and my weight because it’s the only thing I CAN control these days. Everything else seems uncontrollable as if it were a giant boulder, rolling down a hill, gathering speed along the way. It’s going to destroy everything in the end but right now, all I can do is watch and wait. FML.


~ by rhondarhondarhonda on December 21, 2011.

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